The
Not-So-Deep South
December 2002
Holiday Greetings to Family
and Friends from the Miller-Younkin clan!
Yes, 'tis I
again, the family favorite, Numero Uno, CP (Chief Pet), the one-and-only
Holidays letter writing canine—DUCHESS! And, might I so humbly add, this year’s
letter is better than ever because last Christmas I received the Model 2002
Canine Keyboard, so typing this letter was almost as much fun as watching a cat
getting trapped in the home's heating ductwork. (Chortle, chortle! That
actually happened to No. 2 cat Zeus, but I digress.) Better yet, Derek fixed the word processor's auto-correct spell
checker so that when I type Duchess, the dumb machine doesn't automatically
change it to "duck cheese."
First let's get
the bad family news out of the way which is:
We still have three cats! No. 1,
Angel--Numero Uno because she's the oldest, she's female, her fur color matches
that of yours truly, and she leaves me alone.
No. 2, Zeus--Devon's cat, who behaves like he’s some sort of Greek
god. And finally, No. 0 (as in ZERO), JB--alias Jellybean, alias
Target, alias Dumb Cat. This cat is so
dumb that he thinks my tail is some sort of cat toy.
And now on to
the good news—the really big news from this year. I, Duchess, have broken my previous record for escapes from the
backyard!!!! I mean I not only broke
the old record, I demolished it! And
it's not like the difficulty of escape isn't increasing. Every time I dig a new escape tunnel under
the backyard fence, Jim’s out there trying to seal it off. The next door neighbor told Jim to give it
up as he was obviously up against a superior intelligence (meaning me!), but what Jim lacks in brains he
makes up for in persistence (especially since Jean keeps telling him to go out
and plug up my latest tunnel.) Now, not
being a dog, you may well ask: What's
the big deal about getting out of the backyard? Well…, at the end of our street is a creek, and there's nothing a
little swim, followed by a nice roll in some mud, or better yet a roll in
something that has an odor which only one endowed with the canine superior
sense of smell can appreciate (and our motto is, "the longer it's been
dead or on the ground—the better!")
For some reason, the more successful breakouts are usually followed by that
most dreaded of canine punishments—the BATH!
Okay, on to the usual boring people stuff.
Jean is still
teaching preschool at the Second Baptist Church. Once in a while I walk Jim over there and visit Jean and her
students (nothing like being the center of attention of a score of
munchkins). The one time Jim went to
visit Jean without me, the Head of the School called the Police, suspecting he
was a child molester or something, which just goes to show: 1) the value of having a dog with you and 2)
not dressing like a vagrant.
Jim is still
confused about which company he works for as it keeps changing its name. Most of the neighbors seem to refer to it as
the #%&@*! power company, especially during a power outage. The rest of the family is still confused as
to what exactly it is that Jim does for a living. Whatever it is, Jim isn’t telling.
And speaking of
power outages, last Christmas Eve, just as Devon and Jean finished baking
cookies, the power went out, so the family had dinner at Burger King! And for you northern readers who scoff at
our winters here in the not-so-deep south, two days after New Years we got
eight inches of snow (no SCHOOL!). Of
course three weeks later it hit 80 degrees just long enough for Derek's scout
ski trip to be cancelled, but then it was back to the 20s for a while.
Derek and Devon (or D&D for short) are still attending government schools, Devon now being in her last year at Tuckahoe Middle (it’s so sad, she’s growing up so quickly) and Derek in his third year at the Governor's School. Derek’s school was formerly called the GSGIS, which I believe stood for the Governor's School for Groundhogs and International Slander. Now it's the MLWGS which I think stands for the Much Less Wacky Groundhog School.
Jean's late Christmas present last year was a new sewing
table to go with last year's new sewing machine. Jean and Devon are making lots of cool stuff like quilts, Jedi
Knight togas and coronation gowns, but so far no winter dog coat.
Derek was the assistant
stage manager for last spring's school play "The Good Woman of
Setzuan.” At the end of the play, the
lead character gets stoned to death or something (Derek had to come up with the
stones), which was a little more lighthearted than the previous year's
production of "1984" (a musical comedy by George Orwell). This was
just a week after the Derek’s robotics team placed first in the Regional
Robotics Competition. Their robot was
named “It.” It stomped the coils out of
all the other robots. Unfortunately, on
the way to the National Robotics competition at Disney World, Derek and the
team were detained by Airport Security as suspected terrorists (the Jedi Knight
outfits and light sabers didn’t help) and It was impounded. As a result the team failed to place at the
Nationals as not having It was something of a handicap. While Derek was in Orlando, and Devon was
sitting on babies—eh, babysitting, Jean and Jim had to film the Governor’s
School Talent show for Derek, but they left early when the school caught on
fire (no kidding!)
Devon has continued with Zen Judo, earning her green belt
along with the usual black-and-blue bruises, but Derek dropped out of Judo
after cousin Sean broke his finger (Derek’s, not Sean’s) with a Nerf ball
(really!?—a Nerf ball?!) at cousin Josh and Melissa’s wedding (now I’m really
confused) to which I was not invited (are you reading this, Josh and
Melissa?)
Apparently to recover from the wedding party, the family
headed to Disney World for this year’s vacation along with Aunt Donna, cousin Jennifer
and Logan the Fair (but no me!)
Highlights of the trip were
a visit to Discovery Cove where D&D swam with the dolphins and barracudas,
and the great Lego store at the Disney Market Place where Derek tried to trade
Logan for a prototype of the not-yet-released Star Wars Imperial Star Destroyer
(collector’s edition).
Both D&D took ribbons at the state science fair
(we’re so proud)—Devon for baking a few hundred loaves of bread (well, it
seemed like a few hundred) under difficult conditions (during a power outage,
while Jim was playing the flute, etc.), and Derek for seeing how many innocent
bystanders he could bean with one pound projectiles launched from a homebuilt
trebuchet (catapult to you). Devon also
won first place at the PTA literary competition. I believe her poem was titled “Curse the Cat!” (catchy title,
huh!)
In June they deserted me again (you’ll notice this letter
isn’t in any sort of chronological order) and went to Pennsylvania to visit
some of Jim’s old (and I do mean old) classmates—the Kreiders and the
Hamburgers (or something like that) and Cousin Diane and family (too many
cousins to name here, but I’d love to meet you all some time.)
In July Aunt Ginny Lee and cousins Shannon and Sean
arrived for a visit. Devon gave Shannon
lessons on not getting killed while attempting to ride a unicycle, Ginny Lee
painted our three bathrooms (no really, she comes here to visit and ends up
painting the bathrooms!), and Sean and I compared notes on different dog foods. The day after they left Derek had his wisdom
teeth removed (no connection with the visit) and at least until the sedatives
wore off, we had some peace and quiet around here (except for JB, of course).
Those were just
some of the highlights from this past year, and space grows short, so once
again, we are wishing you and yours all the best for the Holiday season and for
the new year and, as usual, here's hoping that there are no cats on your
holiday gift list, and don’t forget to drop by and visit sometime (cat
allergies permitting).
Place paw prints and signatures here.
P.S. For those of you who are organizationally
challenged, here are our vital statstics:
Address: 204 Tamarack Road, Richmond, VA 23229
Phone: 804-741-9973
e-mail: devonrex @ erols.com
d-mail: duckcheese @ puppy.paw
dog treat: Fido-of-Paris Gourmet Biscuitee with Chocolate Chips (imported)